Counseling Resources

Internet Safety

2010-02-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

The Center for Child and Family Therapy recently participated in a 9 News story about Internet safety. To view the interview and article please follow this external link:
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=133253&catid=188

The Art of Regulation

2010-02-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

Regulation is closely correlated to our ability to have healthy relationships and therefore a critical skill for all parents. Regulation is the ability to control our emotions and behaviors. The art of regulation is the ability to remain regulated no matter how many times our buttons are pushed. I am reminded of a recent conversation with a friend who discussed an argument she and her teenage daughter had. At one point in the argument my friend became so overwhelmed and angry that she yelled something ugly at her daughter and then stomped out of the room. Much like her daughter might have if she had the opportunity first. My friend was shocked at how she acted and knew she had regressed to her teen behaviors. Unfortunately we all have those moments. We become dysregulated and our feelings and behaviors are out of control. Although we all prefer to forget those events, it is important to learn from them. Until we have an understanding of what is happening internally for us we will continue to become dysregulated each time our buttons are pushed. Additionally, a child with trauma often times has superb button pushing skills. Unless the parent of these very special children develops their own regulatory skills they will continue to react to their child not interact.

Arguements are never constructive. We may find a moment of release but we are modeling how not to have a safe healthy relationship. Here are a few suggestions of ways to develop your regulatory skills. Begin by forgiving yourself for being human. Try to identify your feelings and where those feelings are coming from. Was a memory from my friend's childhood triggered? Was she experiencing fear about what her daughter's behaviors meant? Awareness is an important step to maintaining one's regulation. When you find yourself triggered literally stop talking, ask yourself "What am I feeling?" and acknowledge that feeling. Next, take 5, 10, or 20 deep breaths. This will calm your body and reengage the thinking part of your brain. If you continue to feel dysregulated (angry) then if possible step away from the situation or change the focus of the situation by suggesting a different activity such as going for a walk, blowing bubbles or playing a game. When you are calm focus on listening and understanding what your child is trying to express. This is not the time to implement consequences or to give a lecture. By maintaining your own regulation you will be able to validate your child's feelings and increase their regulation. Remember you are not validating negative behaviors you are validating what your child is feeling. For those children who have experienced trauma this may be the first time someone has cared about the feelings (usually fear) behind their negative behaviors. This is a precious gift you will give your child.

The art of regulation is a skill every parent needs to be able to develop safe and healthy relationships with their children. The difficulty of the parent/child relationship is increased when the child has experienced trauma and it will take many positive interactions to change the child's negative behavioral reaction to stress. When a parent is regulated (even under the stress of tremendous button pushing) they are able to decrease their reactivity and increase their ability to address the child's underlying needs and feelings. The ideal response for my friend would have been to stop talking to her daughter, breathe deep (many times) and tell her daughter they will talk about the issue later and then quietly leave the room. The art of regulation is not just a skill but a way to develop strong, nurturing relationships.

Family Fun

2010-01-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

As a busy parent who is most likely juggling a multitude of things at any given time, how can you plan activities for your family that are engaging, affordable and practical? It may be easier than you think! While kids now have access to video games, TV, 3-D movies and computers, what they need most is quality time with YOU! Adding playtime with your children into your daily routine is beneficial for the entire family. Play allows family members to re-connect, have fun and enjoy each other’s company. Here are some ideas for family time that can help add some excitement to your home!

1. Follow the leader: Pick one family member at a time to be the “Leader.” The leader stands in front of everyone else (make a line). For 1 minute everybody follows the leader and does what the leader does. Once the minute is up, pick a new leader. This activity is easy, doesn’t require any materials and gives each family member the chance to be in charge. This activity is most practical for kids ages 3-10. To modify the game for older kids, have everyone sit in a circle. Each person is asked to do one thing (make a sound, move a body part etc.). Ask participants to remember what each person before them did and do each thing in order, adding something of their own at the end.

2. Family Play: Use puppets or stuffed animals to create a family production. Kids and parents can choose who they want their character to be and work cooperatively to tell a story. Work together to form the plot and then put on a performance! To add more fun to this game, split up the family into groups so that each group can perform for the other! Kids can make “tickets” and offer snacks at their performances.

3. Family Carnival: Set up a carnival in your home! Create stations or booths for different activities such as face painting, bobbing for apples, water balloon toss and pin the tail on the donkey.

Use your imagination-most games can be easily modified to be played with minimal supplies. If you want to bowl use any soft ball you have around the house and substitute things like empty soda cans for pins. For an easy activity with no planning, put on some music and sing and dance together. When playing outside set up an obstacle course in your backyard or organize a scavenger hunt.

Kids love to play and they really love to play with parents! Joining in on fun activities with your kids is a great way to strengthen the relationship and celebrate one another.

2009-11-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

Holiday Stress Management

The holidays can be a time of fun and celebration as well as a time of stress. Taking some time to consider way that you can minimize stress and maximize the fun is worthwhile. A variety of factors such as family obligations, additional tasks, traveling and financial worries have an impact on our stress levels during the holiday season. The following suggestions may help make the holidays more relaxing and provide you the opportunity to spend more time enjoying family and loved ones.

1. "Shop Wisely": The task of selecting and purchasing gifts for those we care about can be overwhelming and costly. When considering gifts for friends, suggest a get together or an evening out as an alternative to purchasing presents. This allows you to spend time with those you care about and takes some of the holiday burden off of everyone. Gift exchanges can also be a great way to celebrate with less stress.

2. Be Realistic: There is only so much that any of us can do in a day. Try not to over commit yourself to events, parties and gatherings that may end up leaving you feeling anything but festive. Evaluate what you can realistically do and stick to it. Many people have multiple holiday obligations and are likely to understand that you can't attend everything.

3. Plan Ahead: Making a plan to get some of your holiday preparation done ahead of time can

really help. Avoiding the last minute hustle and bustle allows for more time to focus on the people in your life.

4. Give Yourself a Break: Different people have different feelings about the holidays. It's not uncommon to experience some form of the "holiday blues." It's OK! If you're dealing with the recent loss of a loved one the holidays may be particularly difficult. Take some time for yourself so that you are more able to enjoy the activities that you do participate in.

5. Prioritize: Evaluate what you and your loved ones value about the holidays and try to make a commitment to partake in celebrations that are consistent with what you value. Spend time with people that you care about and enjoy!