The Center for Child and Family Therapy recently participated in a 9 News story about Internet safety. To view the interview and article please follow this external link:
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=133253&catid=188
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Art of Regulation
Regulation is closely correlated to our ability to have healthy relationships and therefore a critical skill for all parents. Regulation is the ability to control our emotions and behaviors. The art of regulation is the ability to remain regulated no matter how many times our buttons are pushed. I am reminded of a recent conversation with a friend who discussed an argument she and her teenage daughter had. At one point in the argument my friend became so overwhelmed and angry that she yelled something ugly at her daughter and then stomped out of the room. Much like her daughter might have if she had the opportunity first. My friend was shocked at how she acted and knew she had regressed to her teen behaviors. Unfortunately we all have those moments. We become dysregulated and our feelings and behaviors are out of control. Although we all prefer to forget those events, it is important to learn from them. Until we have an understanding of what is happening internally for us we will continue to become dysregulated each time our buttons are pushed. Additionally, a child with trauma often times has superb button pushing skills. Unless the parent of these very special children develops their own regulatory skills they will continue to react to their child not interact.
Arguements are never constructive. We may find a moment of release but we are modeling how not to have a safe healthy relationship. Here are a few suggestions of ways to develop your regulatory skills. Begin by forgiving yourself for being human. Try to identify your feelings and where those feelings are coming from. Was a memory from my friend's childhood triggered? Was she experiencing fear about what her daughter's behaviors meant? Awareness is an important step to maintaining one's regulation. When you find yourself triggered literally stop talking, ask yourself "What am I feeling?" and acknowledge that feeling. Next, take 5, 10, or 20 deep breaths. This will calm your body and reengage the thinking part of your brain. If you continue to feel dysregulated (angry) then if possible step away from the situation or change the focus of the situation by suggesting a different activity such as going for a walk, blowing bubbles or playing a game. When you are calm focus on listening and understanding what your child is trying to express. This is not the time to implement consequences or to give a lecture. By maintaining your own regulation you will be able to validate your child's feelings and increase their regulation. Remember you are not validating negative behaviors you are validating what your child is feeling. For those children who have experienced trauma this may be the first time someone has cared about the feelings (usually fear) behind their negative behaviors. This is a precious gift you will give your child.
The art of regulation is a skill every parent needs to be able to develop safe and healthy relationships with their children. The difficulty of the parent/child relationship is increased when the child has experienced trauma and it will take many positive interactions to change the child's negative behavioral reaction to stress. When a parent is regulated (even under the stress of tremendous button pushing) they are able to decrease their reactivity and increase their ability to address the child's underlying needs and feelings. The ideal response for my friend would have been to stop talking to her daughter, breathe deep (many times) and tell her daughter they will talk about the issue later and then quietly leave the room. The art of regulation is not just a skill but a way to develop strong, nurturing relationships.
Arguements are never constructive. We may find a moment of release but we are modeling how not to have a safe healthy relationship. Here are a few suggestions of ways to develop your regulatory skills. Begin by forgiving yourself for being human. Try to identify your feelings and where those feelings are coming from. Was a memory from my friend's childhood triggered? Was she experiencing fear about what her daughter's behaviors meant? Awareness is an important step to maintaining one's regulation. When you find yourself triggered literally stop talking, ask yourself "What am I feeling?" and acknowledge that feeling. Next, take 5, 10, or 20 deep breaths. This will calm your body and reengage the thinking part of your brain. If you continue to feel dysregulated (angry) then if possible step away from the situation or change the focus of the situation by suggesting a different activity such as going for a walk, blowing bubbles or playing a game. When you are calm focus on listening and understanding what your child is trying to express. This is not the time to implement consequences or to give a lecture. By maintaining your own regulation you will be able to validate your child's feelings and increase their regulation. Remember you are not validating negative behaviors you are validating what your child is feeling. For those children who have experienced trauma this may be the first time someone has cared about the feelings (usually fear) behind their negative behaviors. This is a precious gift you will give your child.
The art of regulation is a skill every parent needs to be able to develop safe and healthy relationships with their children. The difficulty of the parent/child relationship is increased when the child has experienced trauma and it will take many positive interactions to change the child's negative behavioral reaction to stress. When a parent is regulated (even under the stress of tremendous button pushing) they are able to decrease their reactivity and increase their ability to address the child's underlying needs and feelings. The ideal response for my friend would have been to stop talking to her daughter, breathe deep (many times) and tell her daughter they will talk about the issue later and then quietly leave the room. The art of regulation is not just a skill but a way to develop strong, nurturing relationships.
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